3 seconds, that's all you need.
- BirdieChao
- Apr 23, 2017
- 6 min read
This is Birdie's 6th personal article
During the last holiday, I went for a leadership training camp and one of the things being taught by the trainer was the “reactive vs responsive” ways to handle conflicts. At that point of time, I thought that it is not a big deal as I had always handle conflicts pretty decently. Until this very Thursday, I suddenly realise the importance of being responsive and how much of jerk I am for being reactive at that point of time.
Why am I became a jerk
On Thursday, my clique and I went to play basketball together with some of my juniors I know from my freshmen orientation camp. I thought that all is going great and the game is fine until when we ended and my clique and I sat down on the other side of the court.
There’s only 3 of us and one of them felt that he is quite unhappy about the game just now. (For easier reference, we shall call him Sam for now) So we asked why Sam was unhappy. Initially, he shared that he’s upset because his knee was hurt during the game. So I comforted him a bit and I continued to chit chat with my another friend. Then Sam suddenly says “I’m tilted because of Bird too.”
At this point, I’m still calm and tries to clarify why he thinks that way and we found out the reason is he say I “guailan” ( Singaporean context of being sarcastic) to him a lot during the game. And he felt unfair because I won’t “guailan” my juniors but instead I encourage them when they made a mistake. This is the point I start to feel ridiculous and an unknown anger starts to build up inside me because the 3 of us had been so used to being sarcastic to one another that sometimes, we don’t even notice when we did it and we might take it as sarcasm when it wasn’t meant to be.
So I start being a jerk and used an even more sarcastic tone and say things like “ Oh! So I should pause the whole game and tell you here to bounce pass, there to chest pass or overhead pass to me?” , “Alright, then next time when you ask me to teach you basketball, I don’t think I’m suitable because I might just accidentally “guailan” you and the situation will become like this again.” Etc.
And what follows next is a small argument between Sam and me. But fortunately, we both stopped and left an awkward silence between the 3 of us. Then the one who’s not involved suddenly hold both of our hands and made us do a handshake to end the conflict. It didn’t really work, but at least the awkwardness lessen and we just try to let the conflict pass.
However, after I go home, I reflected on myself and felt uneasy for such an ending of the argument as the problem is not solved. So I Whatsapped Sam about me being sorry and not understanding him when he is trying to genuinely share what he felt towards me during the game. Which also inspired me to write this article.
What is "reactive" and "responsive"
From my understandings through the camp I went through and some read ups from MattHopkins.com before writing this article. “Reactive” means that you are in the heat of the moment, you being controlled by your emotions and not logical and most frequently when defending yourself. However, “Responsive” means that you take the time to think, you are empathetic and takes things less personally.
As you can see from my own experience above, I have both reactive and responsive times. If you are wondering when is my responsive moment. That is the moment when I reflect upon myself which causes me to send Sam a message of my apologies and that is the point that the conflict really ends.
So what being "reactive" and "responsive"
So let’s get deeper into why “responsive” over “reactive” by analysing my very own experience and see the cause and effect of me being both “responsive” and “reactive”.
“Reactive”
Cause: I start being reactive (jerk) by the time when Sam says that I “guailan” him a lot and he felt very unfair about it. My immediate response to his comment was to self-defend thus causing me and questioned him about details so I can explain myself and uphold my own image. However, as we dug deeper, my emotions took over me and that’s the time when I burst out those sentences I said.
Birdie’s learning point: The trigger to being reactive is really when you felt unfair and you want to immediately defend yourself and you refuse to listen to the opposite party.
Effect: The effect is pretty straight forward, it causes me to spit out ugly words to him, increasing the tension between one another and this might lead into an infinite negative loop where if he reacts like me, the situation will get from worse to worst. (Fortunately, there was an awkward silence to stop us)
Birdie’s learning point: The negative impact of being in reactive inside a conflict will compile up if both sides refuse to step back. That will definitely cause some really serious tension between both parties and will be very difficult to resolve once it happens.
"Responsive"
Cause: I felt weird to end an argument that way and find that it doesn’t really solve the problem. So I reflect upon my own actions and I put myself into Sam’s shoe (empathy) to think what would I think of myself if I were Sam, trying to express my true feelings to my friend. However, instead of being understood, I got shot down and deny by my friend.
Birdie’s learning point: To start being responsive is to really be empathetic, once empathy is achieved, you will treat others on how you want others to treat you.
Effect: I messaged Sam a long message explaining myself why I treated him in that way and I was really sorry for my own actions. Also, I told him that I will be aware of myself more in order reduce and hopefully eliminate such conflicts from occurring again. Then the next day, we both knew that the tension between us is gone and we interact like nothing happened yesterday.
Birdie’s learning point: For me, I think after reflecting, the only useful thing is to follow up with an action. Which in my current context is drafting an apology message and ways for me to improve on. You can always reflect and think it’s just good for you to know. However just like a quote that says “Knowledge with action is nothing” because nobody knows what’s in your mind and for me, I think if nobody knows what's in your mind, it means that it doesn’t exist.
"Last words"
I wouldn’t say being reactive is always bad, sometimes the reactive decisions can make the best decisions as you wouldn’t think too much and get yourself distracted. Just like being responsive, it doesn’t always mean that you need to do a full reflection every time. It can just be a simple step where you use 3 seconds to think and rephrase what you want to say. It might seem like a very insignificant thing. But just with that micro detail of the word choice and the tone you make can totally change how a conversation goes.
Its your choice
To live in your dreams or to be living your dreams
-BirdieChao
This will be my weekly timetable. If you notice, my Sat & Sun has the same arrangement. Its because that they act like a back up plan for me if I have no activities on during the weekends. Which I normally do. Also, the timetable is just purely for referenceing and an aid to help me keep on track on what I'm suppose to do at any time of the day. But it doesn't mean that I have to 100% follow it all the times. We need to be flexible and adjust according to different situations. With that being said, it doesn't mean that I won't pratice what I preached. I will still follow it as much as I can. But if there's any sudden event popping up, I can react to them as well. If you like what I did here and hope to see how I slowly progress or even progress together with me. subscribe to my blog and I will keep you updated every week! ;)
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